Undecided Voter Pretty Sure He’s Some Kind Of Idiot

This essay on the Undecided voter may not be Shakespearian in a Herbert Kornfeld sense, but it is fantastic.  It should be read in conjunction with the brilliant Saturday Night Live skit on Undecided voters:

With just one day to go before the presidential election between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama, undecided voter Andrew Mueller is pretty sure he’s some kind of idiot, the 37-year-old Seattle resident told reporters today.

According to Mueller, he’s “had a feeling for a while” that he is a total imbecile and hopelessly stupid human being, and this sentiment has gained more traction in recent days as his political sympathies have remained divided between two candidates with drastically different views on the economy, health care, social issues, and the environment.

“I have to say, the fact that I’m still undecided a day before the election has started to make me think I must be a complete and utter moron,” Mueller said in a rare moment of insight and clarity. “I mean, this presidential campaign has essentially been going on for two years, during which the clearly divergent platforms of both parties have been articulated in attack ads, campaign appearances, debates, interviews, and thousands of articles online and in newspapers. So the fact that I can’t decide between candidates at this point can really only mean that I’m some sort of bumbling half-wit with little to no capacity for critical thought.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s what it is—I’m like a dumbshit or something,” he continued. “How else can you explain the fact that 24 hours before the election, I basically have no idea what’s going on? You can’t.”

According to Mueller, his newfound realization that he is an undeniable idiot or at least “a very, very dumb person” comes after years of ambivalence about the Democratic and Republican parties, during which he often misattributed his political uncertainty to factors other than being an indescribably thickheaded imbecile.

Before the midterm elections in 2010, Mueller switched his political affiliation from Democrat to Independent because he wanted to “vote on candidates and issues, not on political parties,” a decision he said “doesn’t necessarily make a person a moron, but certainly did in my case.” However, as the election draws near and Mueller remains no surer whom to vote for than he was a year ago, the undecided voter is increasingly convinced that his ambivalence is due not to his affiliation as a political independent and its attendant ideologies, but to the fact that he is, quite simply, an entirely brainless dimwit.

“Before now, I felt I was just being thoughtful, carefully weighing each candidate’s statements and making sure I was informed on the important issues, but that couldn’t be further from the truth,” said Mueller, adding that he once even thought that being undecided lent him a sort of mystique, a notion he now considers “almost as fucking dumb as I am.” “In reality, I’m actually just a spectacular dolt who doesn’t have the remotest understanding of how this country’s political system works, or really what the hell I’m doing in general.”

“However, I do care about the issues, in my way,” he added. “I’m just really, really stupid. Like, really stupid.”

At press time, Mueller said he had nearly made up his mind in favor of Romney before seeing an Obama attack ad, which made him consider supporting the president.

30 Comments

  1. NHConservative
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:17 pm | Permalink | Reply

    I heard the Gallup Poll sample is D+11!

    • Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:18 pm | Permalink | Reply

      LOL it is hysterical the lengths they have to go to just to get the polls even close to tied. D+11…next they’ll be telling us the sky is orange.
      ~ Brittany

    • Kevin Paradine
      Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:18 pm | Permalink | Reply

      ? i have a hard time believing Gallup would do that.

    • M.White
      Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:20 pm | Permalink | Reply

      Why is Gallup weighting with D+11, doesn’t make any sense and way more than it was 2008, that seems off by miles. In 2008 it was D+7, do they really believe the electorate is 4 points more democratic than 2008? They just reported a few days ago the electorate was D+3 Republican??? What!

      • HeelinRVA
        Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:22 pm | Permalink

        Gallop doesn’t weight polls. They report the DRI split they get after applying their likely voter screens. That said, if the screen produced a D+11 sample, it should be taken with a grain of salt.

      • Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:22 pm | Permalink

        Rasmussen is polling with D+2 when he predicts it will be a R+6 turnout. They are all trying to say it’s “razor close” because that keeps them all safe, no one is horribly wrong that way.
        ~ Brittany

    • NHConservative
      Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:26 pm | Permalink | Reply

      It was on Twitter…

    • NHConservative
      Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:28 pm | Permalink | Reply

      They are saying to that the poll was done Th-Sun…did they reset the tracking to a new beginning and not roll from Monday of last week?

  2. M.White
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:17 pm | Permalink | Reply

    I will tell you I am concerned about Romney having a rally tomorrow in Ohio, they may be a little worried, also could it take people away from polls when they should be voting? I really don’t like this move, he is a smart man so I will accept he knows what he’s doing!

    • CAChris
      Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:19 pm | Permalink | Reply

      Id not be concerned, its all about resources, If they have an early morning rally that will propel folks to the polls, they will do it, I think its slightly odd, but it shows the stakes on turnout.

    • Commonsenseobserver
      Posted November 5, 2012 at 9:07 pm | Permalink | Reply

      That’s pretty normal. Bush for one did that.

  3. Tom
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:19 pm | Permalink | Reply

    Rasmussen Party affiliation survey:

    October 2008 R – 33.3% D – 40.3%
    October 2012 R – 39.1% D – 33.3%

    Almost exactly opposite. Mitt-Mentum

    http://www.rasmussenreports.com/public_content/archive/mood_of_america_archive/partisan_trends/summary_of_party_affiliation

  4. CAChris
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:20 pm | Permalink | Reply

    Check out this D+4 poll.. More interesting stuff .. http://t.co/72t2aRdx

    • Adam
      Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:21 pm | Permalink | Reply

      Yep the Monmouth I just posted – tied up top with Romney up 16% with Indies.

      Seems to be a concensus RR is winning indies 15-20%. There’s no way a losing candidate does that.

    • Tom
      Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:23 pm | Permalink | Reply

      774 women, 643 men … 55% female! what a joke of a poll!

    • Tom
      Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:24 pm | Permalink | Reply

      Also 72% white voters, the obama model. Big surprise for libs tomorrow. Mitt-Mentum!

    • Brad
      Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:31 pm | Permalink | Reply

      Wow, indies breaking towards Romney in just about every nat’l poll, and yet somehow females, liberals, and Dems are oversampled to get a tie. That’s just amazing how the break is all one direction, but the skew is in the other. Amazing!

    • Evan3457
      Posted November 5, 2012 at 4:47 pm | Permalink | Reply

      If you reverse multiply the support % by the subsample %, you get Romney 48.29%, Obama 47.65%.

  5. No Tribe
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:21 pm | Permalink | Reply

    The final Monmouth poll is out. 48-48
    Romney takes Indy’s 53-37
    http://cms.monmouth.edu/assets/0/84/159/2147483694/c8af3c69-d7c7-4f41-9749-99d4fa948484.pdf

    • CAChris
      Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:23 pm | Permalink | Reply

      Thanks for the better link.. More info that bodes very well for Romney… I just don’t see how O can overcome a R+6 and I+15 or more.. I just keep seeing pollsters hedge with Dem turnout figures.. Some of them are paring them down it just truly shows they have no freaking clue what’s going to happen..

      • No Tribe
        Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:26 pm | Permalink

        I keep seeing Obama with 39% of the white vote, he’s not going to win below 40%

    • Tom
      Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:25 pm | Permalink | Reply

      774 women, 643 men … 55% female! Impossible. 52% female max in elections. Also 72% white, the obama model.

      • No Tribe
        Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:29 pm | Permalink

        72% white is not going to happen. Yep, Obama’s model.

  6. M.White
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:28 pm | Permalink | Reply

    We have also to remember Gallup has a 4 day tracking poll, Thurs. – Sun., so I would imagine on Thurs. and Fri. the rally around the flag and President thing affected the poll, then Sat. and Sun. may have switched back a little. If the poll had been taken Sat. – Sun. we would see a Romney leading by 3, or if it had been Sun. and Mon., because over the weekend we saw much suffering in the northeast and that may not be factored into this poll. Tomorrow’s Rasmussen poll may be more reflective of the actual outcome tomorrow night.

  7. Interested Party
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:31 pm | Permalink | Reply

    OK. A comment on this whole polling thing for a moment.

    Forget the D weighting–its not what they do. They weight by cell versus landline use. This is something that they have to do, especially with a 9% response rate. Given that the technology is relatively new, I think there are a lot of issues with this right now in the polling community that they are not telling us.

    Heavy cell users tend to be younger, more mobile (get the pun)…ie skew democratic. So if you poll more cell users, you will get higher +D samples.

    Proof of this hypothesis?

    Sandy.

    Why did O get a Sandy bump, accounted for mostly by increasing D+ samples in the polls, especially in the Northeast? More people were on cell phones and not landlines, since the power was out for large sections of the Northeast. There is really no other reason. Looking presidential? Come on–we’ve known O for 4 years. One more disaster is not going to change even the most naive of us. There is no fundamental reason for a shift to O in the past week with a sudden increase in D turnout.

    Add this to the increased D’s making it through the early voter screens since they voted early, and you have a 3-4% spread.

    I think this has even screwed up the polling of both campaigns, and that why they both are nervous in private. Both expect a solid R win based on fundamentals, but can’t make sense of the polls.

    We’ll see in 36 hours or so.

  8. Blackcloud
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:32 pm | Permalink | Reply

    There’s a new ARG poll that also shows R up big with independents. No link I can find, though. Per Numbers Muncher.

  9. JP
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:36 pm | Permalink | Reply

    So for the three polls that include yesterday in their statistics we have r+1 gallup r+1 Ras and a 49 49 tie from cnn (+22I). Definitely headed in the right direction considering the three previous +1 +1 +3 Obama polls that covered the the week of hurricane sandy

  10. JP
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 1:38 pm | Permalink | Reply

    new monmouth/surveyusa poll 48 48

  11. Posted November 5, 2012 at 2:35 pm | Permalink | Reply

    How to sway undecideds http://www.dickmorris.com/how-to-convince-undecided-voters-dick-morris-tv-lunch-alert/

  12. Posted November 5, 2012 at 8:41 pm | Permalink | Reply

    From the incomparably brilliant David Mamet:

    http://www.jewishjournal.com/opinion/article/the_final_obama_romney_showdown_a_note_to_a_stiff_necked_people

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